Longing for Home

On the eve of our journey back home, I lay here next to my little man who is just shy of 1 pound heavier than a month ago. A pound is nothing right?!? Well, for him it surely hasn't come easily. He fought for that pound through tears, meltdowns, gagging and vomit. It came through new chairs and cups and spoons and foods he has never even dared to put to his tongue. We are so very  thankful for all the help we have received here. We are thankful for every growth and every triumph.

This program has been hard on this mama. It has been hard and stressful on my sweet boy and my family back home. I cannot tell you how wonderful it will feel to open that door to my house tomorrow and just breathe in HOME! Oh, to take a long hot bath that isn't similar to a communal tub from the pits of college hell. Oh yes, I will be thankful to eat a breakfast that doesn't consist of yogurt and bad coffee. I cannot wait to sleep in my own bed and be under the same roof with the other 2 pieces of my heart. I'm even excited to see my fuzzy little dog. As I write, my husband is home preparing for our arrival. He is tidying up everything and making it feel like home; inviting and warm. It will be glorious to be home!

Tonight, that thought has me thinking of my real home, in Heaven. Is this yearning and longing I feel now for my earthly home a mere shadow of what I should feel for my eternal home? Of course it is! I, too often, get caught up in the grind of daily living. So much so that sometimes I forget to yearn for what is to come on the other side of these shadowlands, as C.S. Lewis calls them. I forget to thank the Lord, that He has gone before me and is preparing my place at His table. That one day this life will be over and I will get to meet my savior face to face. I forget that, daily, I need to set my heart on the truth that I will get to be with Him forever. There will never be a second when I will wonder if He is still there. Never a moment will pass without me being able to talk to Him and praise Him. Never will I question His love for me. Never will I want or long for anything more than to spend all eternity with Him. Now that is something worth longing for!

My prayer tonight is that I would be able to set my eyes and heart on what is to come after this glimpse of life fades away. I pray that as my eyes focus more on Him, every other longing would grow strangely dim.

Learning to Be Like A Child Again

I'm sitting here this afternoon, looking out of our hospital window, wondering how to accurately explain this great joy I'm feeling in the midst of our seemingly insurmountable struggles to get our son to eat enough calories to sustain life. I never thought much about that struggle; people that struggle to eat, until experiencing it alongside my son. Everyday I wake up wondering if he will eat or if something will trigger a long stand off with food. But today has been a good day. He ate things with his therapist that he wouldn't even dare look at for me. We are making progress and it gives me great hope for the days ahead. 

I'm so thankful to be here and get this amazing help and knowledge. But I'm also not entirely convinced that the only reason God has us here is for the eating issues alone. See, over the last week I have had the great privilege to meet mamas and their little ones from all over the state, even ones from other states. I have heard their struggles and even seen their little ones make great triumphs. But even more, I have seen our children play together in a way I wish the adult world could fully understand. Some of the children here have bigger, more in depth challenges than others. Some have feeding tubes and g-buttons, some are confined to wheelchairs, some talk and some don't. But one huge thing I have noticed is that they all want to play and feel included. They laugh and shout and play, even though that doesn't always look the same for each of them. They chase each other down the hall, one running and one being pushed in their wheelchair with the biggest rambunctious laughs you have ever heard. All the weight of their circumstance, if only for those moments, are lifted. And all I can think about is Jesus saying, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

To each other they weren't hurting children, sick children, children with disabilities. They didn't see each other's tubes or wheelchairs or pay attention to the ones that can't talk. They were just laughing and playing and leaving the rest behind. They were loving each other without eyes of judgement.

In light of that, I have to admit, sometimes I really suck at loving others. I don't mean to judge, but don't we all do it, in one way or another. Yes, that was me, judging that mama that brought their sick kiddos in without thinking about what that means for me or my son. Yes, that was me in the store, before my son came along, getting irritated that you couldn't calm your kid down from his enormous meltdown. I could name a hundred times when I haven't stopped to take into account all the things that are probably going on in the background of someone's life. But maybe that's beside the point. I think the point is that I don't really need to take them into account. I should be loving them anyway! No matter what is going on, people need to feel loved and valued in the midst of whatever circumstances they are living. They don't need my judgement whether I know all, some or even none of what was going on. With those children, there was no need for any explanations, no need for a backstory. They just loved; pure and simple. I want to live like that! I want to love with my whole heart and leave the rest for God himself to work out.

Yesterday, I met the sweetest little girl, whose favorite color is rainbow and wants to be a mermaid. I don't know her story but I do know that she is pretty sick. I decided I would take that lesson on love and share it with her. I made her a big poster of a rainbow colored mermaid tail with a special little quote for her. "Always be yourself, unless you can be a mermaid, then always be a mermaid." When I went upstairs to give it to her, she had the biggest smile. You know the great part of showing someone love? The Lord gives us the blessing of utter joy in the process. My heart is full of joy because of these kids. The Lord is teaching me how to be more like a child by putting me in one of the most special places, a children's Hospital, where I am encountering them, and Him, everywhere I go. ❤️

Light and Momentary Afflictions

I woke up this morning with the uneasiness of all the unknowns we would face today and the many days that lay ahead. Yesterday we arrived at a hospital hundreds of miles from home to help my son with a severe feeding problem. To say today was a hard transition is an understatement. I kept wondering how all this could possibly be our life. Our schedule today was jam packed with feeding therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy, nurses and doctors and case workers. A lot to take in, all the while I'm missing my baby girl that I had to leave back home. 

After a whole lot of crying (by him), very little eating (by us both) and a little person leeched onto me everywhere I move, we had a breakthrough. He ate some grapes and a graham cracker and my happy little man emerged. In true fashion the first thing he wanted to do was go outside. Of course! How could I turn him down? Out we went into a tiny play area with a few toys and a 12x12 patch of grass. He road the little red trike around and around until he was tired and ready to go in. As we started toward the door, out of nowhere, this small blue balloon floated down onto the ground in front of the door. To most people that means absolutely nothing. To me it meant the world! Later, I asked one of the nurses about it and she said they are not allowed to have latex anywhere so she has no idea where it came from.

As many of you know, my little nephew went home to be with the Lord a short time ago. Last year on his birthday we released blue balloon into the sky in celebration of him. It was a heart-wrenching yet joyous occasion. (see my last post)  So you can imagine my feelings when this little blue balloon, slightly deflated with a blue ribbon still attached, lay right in front of me on this particularly rough day. It was a reminder of God's truths and it spoke right to my heart! 

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

These days things are hard but it's preparing me for something so much more. Our lives here on Earth are short, but our lives with our Savior are eternal. No matter what is going on in the here and now, God is working through every circumstance. 

I needed to hear God speak to me today. And isn't God perfect in how He does it. He used the memory of the most precious little boy to speak the most gracious, loving words in the perfect peaceful moment. It truly changed my outlook on a tough day. It changed a frustrated heart of turmoil into a heart of gratitude. It made me thankful for this program, thankful for the opportunity, the doctors, nurses, skilled staff, and therapists. It made me thankful for my family and friends back home who are helping us and praying for us. It made me thankful for Keaton. It made me thankful that my God is a loving and good father. Tonight I get to rest, knowing tomorrow may be another tough day but this is only a light and momentary trouble. It won't last forever. And what lies waiting ahead of us after this glimpse of life is over, is nothing short of glorious.

Beauty from Ashes

Today has been full of painful reminders and gloriously, beautiful reminders as well. Today was a hard day for my family. Today as I stood on the front porch and looked out on everyone, I was reminded of how the Lord can make beauty out of ashes. I looked out and saw my family; a family that has quite literally been ravaged by sin and death and hell. The heartache among us would bring anyone to their knees. To tell of all that's happened, I would need to write a novel, a long one at that. I'll spare you by just saying that we have traveled a very tough road over the years.

But in the midst of all that, I looked out and saw a family that is standing strong in their faith in the Lord, a family who God himself brought together from all walks of life to stand together and lock arms in this battle. On their faces I saw joy and hope in the midst of pain and I was reminded that the Lord brings joy and peace. 

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." (Romans 15:13)

I saw a husband and wife grip each other in pain, with smiles and tears running down their faces and 3 little ones at their sides, as they remembered their little boy that was so immensely loved. I was reminded that the Lord's power is made perfect in our weakness. 

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

My baby nephew, Keaton, would've been 2 today, but the Lord called him home 9 months ago to be with Him. Today was an utterly painful reminder of that missing piece of our hearts, but as I stood there I remembered his wonderful smile and how much love there is for him in all the people around us. I looked at his pictures and was thankful that the Lord blessed us to even have one day with him. I was thankful for the camping trip we took and the pictures I got of him smiling with his light up ball. I was thankful for time, even though it wasn't all the time I wished we would've had. I was reminded that I could've never had those moments at all. I was reminded that the Lord's timing is perfect. 

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven" (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

We have been blessed to have so many good friends to support us, love us and walk side by side with us. I am reminded that it is by God's grace. I'm reminded that the Lord gives and He takes away. But even though I can't begin to understand the taking away part, I'm reminded that He is a good Father that gave us this day that we might celebrate the day Keaton became part of our family and forever part of our hearts. 

Today was a beautiful fall day with a cool breeze and glistening sunshine. The freshly cut grass was green and the food was plentiful. There was laughter and children. There was music and games and even pearly balloons flying high in the sky and I can't help but be reminded that the Lord gave us these things; the details, just because He loves us.

Yes, today had tears and heartache, but today was beautiful too. God's love was shown in the people that love us, in the healing taking place, in the peace He gives, in reconciliation and in every detail that the Lord has had planned for us since the beginning of time. I don't understand how it all fits together or understand why He does what He does, but I do know that my Father in heaven loves us and Keaton is there in his arms. I don't have to understand the why's but only trust that His love goes far and deep and wide. One day on the other side of eternity, we will see the precious smile of our little Keaton again. Oh what a beautiful day it will be! 

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end." (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

Happy Birthday Keaton Marley! I love you!!

Preach to Me

Some of you may know me personally, and therefore know that my family and I began a journey to adopt through the foster care system a little less than 2 years ago. To say this has been a long tough season is a dramatic understatement. But to say it was all terrible would be vastly misguided and wouldn't take into consideration all the wonderful and glorious blessings the Lord has given us along the way.

We brought home our beautiful baby boy about 10 months ago and I am positive that no amount of classes could have adequately prepared us for what we would experience physically, emotionally and spiritually through this process. Of course, even having biological children has it's challenges and definitely changes your life forever. However, foster care is a beast of its own and requires lots of time, an insurmountable amount of patience and strength beyond compare. I don't claim to have any of that on my own and it remains a daily struggle to stay grounded, but I have learned that the days I continually refocus my thoughts on the Lord, are always my better days. On the days I can "hold every thought captive", I experience more of God's glory and grace than on days I don't.

There are days I worry about what the future may hold for him, and for us as a family too. Will he be ours forever? Will he go back to his biological family? Will me, my husband and my biological daughter be heartbroken by the possible outcome? Will he be healthy, happy, safe and feel loved even if he isn't with us? Will he be hurt by the trauma of his birth story? Have we shown him the love of Christ and will he remember? And those are only a short list of the worries I encounter. Honestly, I probably worry about things on most days. On those days, I have to hit pause and I remind myself of Matthew 6:34, "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself..." I have no control over most all those things, but I know, the one true sovereign God who is in complete control of each and every circumstance. If I can just focus on Him...

After every court date and visitation, I find myself wondering if this process will last forever. Questions linger in my heart about why God allows certain things to happen and others not to and even why some of my most diligent heartfelt prayers seem to go unanswered. On those days I find solace in Isaiah 55:8, "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways,'declares the Lord.'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than you ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'" Even though I think I know how things should go, God knows better. His plan is perfect because He sees the entire puzzle and how each piece fits perfectly together, and we simply can't. Knowing that He is a good and loving Father further helps me in knowing that His plan is perfect and in perfect time. If I can just focus on Him...

In every questioning and uncertain moment, the most productive, helpful, comforting thing I can do is remind myself of God's promises and His truths. Preach to myself, God's Word. I quiet my mind and my heart with the promises of His love, His goodness, His faithfulness, His help, His grace and His mercy. He is sovereign and righteous, pure and strong, loving and constant. And when no word can calm my spirit, again I fall at His feet knowing He hides me in His wings and loves me like no other ever can. I call on Him to light my way and guide my path, knowing that He has never left me, not for one minute. Not one second was I ever alone. If I can just focus on him...

This journey has been tough and long and it isn't over yet, but it is only momentary in the spectrum of all eternity. God has called us to these 2 beautiful souls, my children. He called us to lead them, love them, discipline and disciple them and to shepherd their hearts to know and love Him with all they are. In time, they will have a life and struggles of their own and my prayer is that I have lived up to my call by focusing on loving the one that leads and lights my way and that in the process I have taught them how to do the same.

Here are just a few verses that help lift me up and keep my focus on the Lord.

* Psalm 143:8 "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul."

* 2 Corinthians 4:16-17 "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."

* Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

* Psalm 34:8 "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!

* Psalm 9:10 "And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.

* Romans 8:38 "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Time Alone with God

Under the pressures of all that today and tomorrow holds, we get caught up and forget that the most important thing we could do is spend time alone with God. In the book, Jesus Calling, yesterday's devotion gently reminded me of how much the world tries to "squeeze you into it's mold and crowd out time" meant for you to spend with the Lord. We get distracted and sideline the most crucial part of our day, spending time with our Heavenly Father.

Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

Recently, I was feeling very dry spiritually and very overwhelmed by life circumstances. But I knew it wasn't because I wasn't praying or wasn't reading my Bible. I couldn't figure out how I got to this uncomfortable and lonely place when I was doing the right things and I know the truths of the Word of God. I could preach them to myself, yet I felt like there was this wall between me and Him and I couldn't tear it down. This went on for weeks. I continued to pray and ask for God's help in different areas of my life and I prayed for my family and church and others. I just couldn't figure it out. Why was I feeling so distant?

Then one morning, as I sat on my knees, I broke down and cried out for the Lord not to hide His face from me any longer. I needed Him to be near me. I prayed that I might rest in His holy presence and hide under His loving wings. I prayed for Him not to leave me alone. In those very moments, the Lord showed up. He whispered to my heart that He was always there and listening. He had never left me. He ONLY wanted me to seek His face. I cried, I rejoiced, I felt an overwhelming peace wash over me. Nothing can separate me from the love of God! Oh what a loving and merciful God we serve!

Jesus is ever present. His love is a constant in our lives. He never changes, never wavers. Do we have times when we don't feel His presence? Of course! Does that mean He isn't there? Absolutely not! 

All too often we are only seeking God's hand and not His face. 

We want what He can offer us and forget to love and cherish who He is. Today, take the time to seek the Lord's face with a thankful heart. Spend time in His presence without asking Him for anything. Desire to be with Him and Him alone. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you.

Rest in the knowledge that "Time spent alone with God is never wasted."

What is true accountability?

Last night at church our Pastor confirmed a thought that has been blazing in my heart for a long while. Busyness has become a built-in facet of our modern society. As I looked around throughout the sermon, I saw everyone shaking their heads in agreement. It brings great pause to my heart in thinking of how many areas of spiritually growth we inevitably deprioritize because of busyness. Primarily, we tend to not give God His rightly place as the top priority in our lives and our hearts. Relationally people also suffer, and all too often we let our spiritual growth through accountability slide to last on our list, below a multitude of other less important things. We think if we could only get these other tasks out of the way, things will calm down and we would have more time. Never happens! Excuses pile onto more excuses and instead of moving forward we find ourselves slowly failing out of true community with others.

Over the last several months through many conversation, I have had an overwhelming sense that even though people say they know it is important to be accountable, they have a poor understanding of what accountability truly is. They say they want it or need it, yet have no idea what that really entails. So what is godly accountability? Accountability is being honest with another person or small group of people about our outward tendencies and habits, as well as the desires and thoughts that drive us. It is about confessing the things we struggle with. It is about searching our souls and letting people in so that someone else can see sin struggles that we may not even be aware of ourselves. It is encouraging people in the love of Christ and His saving grace. It is about Jesus using relationships with others to grow us, stretch us, challenge us and mold us into His likeness. Accountability is consistent, helpful and joyful. It is about discipling others and being discipled ourselves.
Within accountability we:

1. carry burdens for one another (Galatians 6:2)
2. speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15)
3. admonish willful disobedience (Colossians 3:16)
4. grow our faith (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
5. offer and accept correction (2 Timothy 4:2)
6. encourage each other daily (Hebrews 3:13)
7. encourage love and good works (Hebrews 10:23-25)
8. pray for each other (James 5:16)

Clearly as Christians, we see these things as helpful and needed. However, even with the good fruit people undoubtably know would come from being in accountability with others, people still tend to avoid accountability for 4 main reasons:

• Pride
• Laziness
• Rebelliousness
• Fear of rejection or judgement

Too many times we fail to see the root issue and continue to justify our lack of accountability with a host of excuses. Yes, you will be taking a risk, but the benefits of spiritual growth, knowledge, wisdom and authentic friendships that will result far outweigh that which the enemy uses to keep you from it. If you are lacking true accountability, spend some time time today asking for God's help in this area. Pray for God to reveal your sins to you. Ask Him to help you be open and honest with someone about them. Ask him to help you receive admonishment and rebuke, but to also be able to receive the encouragement, prayer and grace you need. Leave your pridefulness on the ground and realize that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. A quote by Richard Rohlin says:

"Humility is key. Nothing destroys any relationship – accountability included – like people who are too prideful to confess their sins, too selfish to forsake them, too self-centered to care about the struggles of others, and too egotistical to accept godly reproof. Accountability groups are one great way God can use to humble us because of the mutual confession of our own wickedness. Don’t turn it into one more opportunity to showcase your perceived greatness."

My hope is that you will see that authentic accountability is important and of value to you. God is sufficient in giving us all we need and He gives us relationships and community with others to grow us and teach us.

Are you willing to create disciples and be discipled yourself?