Longing for Home

On the eve of our journey back home, I lay here next to my little man who is just shy of 1 pound heavier than a month ago. A pound is nothing right?!? Well, for him it surely hasn't come easily. He fought for that pound through tears, meltdowns, gagging and vomit. It came through new chairs and cups and spoons and foods he has never even dared to put to his tongue. We are so very  thankful for all the help we have received here. We are thankful for every growth and every triumph.

This program has been hard on this mama. It has been hard and stressful on my sweet boy and my family back home. I cannot tell you how wonderful it will feel to open that door to my house tomorrow and just breathe in HOME! Oh, to take a long hot bath that isn't similar to a communal tub from the pits of college hell. Oh yes, I will be thankful to eat a breakfast that doesn't consist of yogurt and bad coffee. I cannot wait to sleep in my own bed and be under the same roof with the other 2 pieces of my heart. I'm even excited to see my fuzzy little dog. As I write, my husband is home preparing for our arrival. He is tidying up everything and making it feel like home; inviting and warm. It will be glorious to be home!

Tonight, that thought has me thinking of my real home, in Heaven. Is this yearning and longing I feel now for my earthly home a mere shadow of what I should feel for my eternal home? Of course it is! I, too often, get caught up in the grind of daily living. So much so that sometimes I forget to yearn for what is to come on the other side of these shadowlands, as C.S. Lewis calls them. I forget to thank the Lord, that He has gone before me and is preparing my place at His table. That one day this life will be over and I will get to meet my savior face to face. I forget that, daily, I need to set my heart on the truth that I will get to be with Him forever. There will never be a second when I will wonder if He is still there. Never a moment will pass without me being able to talk to Him and praise Him. Never will I question His love for me. Never will I want or long for anything more than to spend all eternity with Him. Now that is something worth longing for!

My prayer tonight is that I would be able to set my eyes and heart on what is to come after this glimpse of life fades away. I pray that as my eyes focus more on Him, every other longing would grow strangely dim.

Learning to Be Like A Child Again

I'm sitting here this afternoon, looking out of our hospital window, wondering how to accurately explain this great joy I'm feeling in the midst of our seemingly insurmountable struggles to get our son to eat enough calories to sustain life. I never thought much about that struggle; people that struggle to eat, until experiencing it alongside my son. Everyday I wake up wondering if he will eat or if something will trigger a long stand off with food. But today has been a good day. He ate things with his therapist that he wouldn't even dare look at for me. We are making progress and it gives me great hope for the days ahead. 

I'm so thankful to be here and get this amazing help and knowledge. But I'm also not entirely convinced that the only reason God has us here is for the eating issues alone. See, over the last week I have had the great privilege to meet mamas and their little ones from all over the state, even ones from other states. I have heard their struggles and even seen their little ones make great triumphs. But even more, I have seen our children play together in a way I wish the adult world could fully understand. Some of the children here have bigger, more in depth challenges than others. Some have feeding tubes and g-buttons, some are confined to wheelchairs, some talk and some don't. But one huge thing I have noticed is that they all want to play and feel included. They laugh and shout and play, even though that doesn't always look the same for each of them. They chase each other down the hall, one running and one being pushed in their wheelchair with the biggest rambunctious laughs you have ever heard. All the weight of their circumstance, if only for those moments, are lifted. And all I can think about is Jesus saying, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

To each other they weren't hurting children, sick children, children with disabilities. They didn't see each other's tubes or wheelchairs or pay attention to the ones that can't talk. They were just laughing and playing and leaving the rest behind. They were loving each other without eyes of judgement.

In light of that, I have to admit, sometimes I really suck at loving others. I don't mean to judge, but don't we all do it, in one way or another. Yes, that was me, judging that mama that brought their sick kiddos in without thinking about what that means for me or my son. Yes, that was me in the store, before my son came along, getting irritated that you couldn't calm your kid down from his enormous meltdown. I could name a hundred times when I haven't stopped to take into account all the things that are probably going on in the background of someone's life. But maybe that's beside the point. I think the point is that I don't really need to take them into account. I should be loving them anyway! No matter what is going on, people need to feel loved and valued in the midst of whatever circumstances they are living. They don't need my judgement whether I know all, some or even none of what was going on. With those children, there was no need for any explanations, no need for a backstory. They just loved; pure and simple. I want to live like that! I want to love with my whole heart and leave the rest for God himself to work out.

Yesterday, I met the sweetest little girl, whose favorite color is rainbow and wants to be a mermaid. I don't know her story but I do know that she is pretty sick. I decided I would take that lesson on love and share it with her. I made her a big poster of a rainbow colored mermaid tail with a special little quote for her. "Always be yourself, unless you can be a mermaid, then always be a mermaid." When I went upstairs to give it to her, she had the biggest smile. You know the great part of showing someone love? The Lord gives us the blessing of utter joy in the process. My heart is full of joy because of these kids. The Lord is teaching me how to be more like a child by putting me in one of the most special places, a children's Hospital, where I am encountering them, and Him, everywhere I go. ❤️

Light and Momentary Afflictions

I woke up this morning with the uneasiness of all the unknowns we would face today and the many days that lay ahead. Yesterday we arrived at a hospital hundreds of miles from home to help my son with a severe feeding problem. To say today was a hard transition is an understatement. I kept wondering how all this could possibly be our life. Our schedule today was jam packed with feeding therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy, nurses and doctors and case workers. A lot to take in, all the while I'm missing my baby girl that I had to leave back home. 

After a whole lot of crying (by him), very little eating (by us both) and a little person leeched onto me everywhere I move, we had a breakthrough. He ate some grapes and a graham cracker and my happy little man emerged. In true fashion the first thing he wanted to do was go outside. Of course! How could I turn him down? Out we went into a tiny play area with a few toys and a 12x12 patch of grass. He road the little red trike around and around until he was tired and ready to go in. As we started toward the door, out of nowhere, this small blue balloon floated down onto the ground in front of the door. To most people that means absolutely nothing. To me it meant the world! Later, I asked one of the nurses about it and she said they are not allowed to have latex anywhere so she has no idea where it came from.

As many of you know, my little nephew went home to be with the Lord a short time ago. Last year on his birthday we released blue balloon into the sky in celebration of him. It was a heart-wrenching yet joyous occasion. (see my last post)  So you can imagine my feelings when this little blue balloon, slightly deflated with a blue ribbon still attached, lay right in front of me on this particularly rough day. It was a reminder of God's truths and it spoke right to my heart! 

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

These days things are hard but it's preparing me for something so much more. Our lives here on Earth are short, but our lives with our Savior are eternal. No matter what is going on in the here and now, God is working through every circumstance. 

I needed to hear God speak to me today. And isn't God perfect in how He does it. He used the memory of the most precious little boy to speak the most gracious, loving words in the perfect peaceful moment. It truly changed my outlook on a tough day. It changed a frustrated heart of turmoil into a heart of gratitude. It made me thankful for this program, thankful for the opportunity, the doctors, nurses, skilled staff, and therapists. It made me thankful for my family and friends back home who are helping us and praying for us. It made me thankful for Keaton. It made me thankful that my God is a loving and good father. Tonight I get to rest, knowing tomorrow may be another tough day but this is only a light and momentary trouble. It won't last forever. And what lies waiting ahead of us after this glimpse of life is over, is nothing short of glorious.